Navigating Emotional Turbulence: Understanding and Accepting Our Feelings

It's one of those days, the kind that leaves you feeling out of sorts without a clear reason why. We've all had them. Days when nothing feels quite right, and there's a lurking sensation that something is bothering you, but you just can't put your finger on it. If you’re anything like me, your instinctual response might be to question why you feel this way, often leading to frustration and a cycle of self-doubt.

The Vicious Cycle of Emotional Resistance

When an uncomfortable emotion arises, a common reflex is to resist it. We tell ourselves there's no reason to feel that way, which paradoxically feeds the emotion with even more energy. By resisting, we intensify these feelings, inadvertently empowering the emotion while simultaneously invalidating the experience by questioning its legitimacy.

This approach, to problem-solve our emotional state, is the brain’s natural response to encountering a problem, but this strategy often backfires because emotions are not problems to be solved. 

The Paradox of Acceptance

So, what should we do instead? The answer is counterintuitive: Accept the emotional experience instead of resisting it. 

What do I mean by acceptance?

This is a really important question, and one that I struggled with myself during my training. I didn’t like the word “acceptance” because it felt like resignation to me. It felt like giving up, and it also implied in my mind that accepting something means you’re OK with it.

As I studied therapies like Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and began to implement some of the interventions myself, I started to experience the freedom that comes with acceptance*.

Acceptance is simply accepting reality as it is, which is hard when reality sucks or is incredibly painful. Another helpful way to think of it, from a psychological standpoint, is as the opposite of denial.

Here’s an example of how acceptance transformed my emotional life:

When I was in graduate school, I had a period of depression during which I stopped showing up in some of my friendships, despite my friends’ invitations to re-engage and their concern for me. After a few years of continued neglect from my end, these friendships became casual acquaintances, and I lost the deep connections I had formed before my depression began.

For years, I rationalized this outcome as “just growing apart” as a way of avoiding the regret and guilt that I felt any time I thought about these relationships. I would avoid even thinking about these relationships because the underlying emotions were so unpleasant and raw. As I learned more about acceptance, though, and as my regret became more difficult to avoid, I started to journal more about that period in my life and in therapy, I started talking about my guilt, regret, and sadness related to these friendships.

It was very painful to come into contact with the emotional and social costs of my withdrawal from these friendships, but the truth is that the pain had always been there, and my resistance to it was preventing me from fully processing it and moving forward.

Once I started to accept what had already happened, I was able to more fully appreciate the impact that my depression had on me, which helped me clarify my values for the future, and prompted me to reach out to one of these friends to express my regret and to apologize. The friendship was not revived as a result of my apology, but that wasn’t the point. The apology was an extension of my acceptance of not only my actions, but also the impact they had on others.

Applying Acceptance to Emotions

So how do you actually do this? What does it mean to accept an emotional experience?

First, allow the emotion to exist. Recognize when you’re trying to resist, avoid, or deny an uncomfortable emotion. It will help to remind yourself that emotions, whether pleasant or unpleasant, are transient. Remember, even your happiest moment didn't last forever, and neither will your unpleasant feelings. Allowing them to exist doesn’t make them uncontrollable - it actually does the opposite.

Next, approach the emotion with curiosity. Here are some questions to guide your reflection:

• What is this emotion?

• What is this emotion trying to tell me?

• When have I felt this emotion before?

Journaling, therapy, coaching, and conversations with trusted connections are additional ways to explore these questions.

Finally, align your actions with any insights you’ve gained from the emotion. This could be an internal action, like committing to practice these steps the next time you notice you’re resisting an emotion. This could also be an external action, like reaching out for additional emotion support or as in my example, making an apology.

The Practice of Acceptance

Acceptance as a conscious choice teaches us two vital lessons: (1) Our emotions won’t destroy us, and (2) Acknowledging our feelings allows us to decode their underlying messages.

Consider this an invitation to examine the emotions you often avoid. What are they telling you? How might your life change if you allowed yourself just 90 seconds to listen and reflect? Can you pause long enough to hear what they might have to offer?

In those moments of pause, ask yourself: Why are you (i.e. the emotion) here? What message is there for me? This simple act of acknowledgment and inquiry can open pathways to deeper understanding and personal growth.

Moving Towards Emotional Clarity

Ultimately, uncomfortable emotions are not our enemies; they are guides to self-awareness. By shifting our approach from resisting to embracing, we not only gain insight but also cultivate resilience and strength. Next time you feel that nagging discomfort, pause, listen, and learn. You might be surprised by what you discover.

*For additional resources related to acceptance and emotions, visit ACT Mindfully and check out my favorite ACT workbook Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life by Steve Hayes & Spencer Smith.