How to Tell If You’re People Pleasing or Living Your Values
If you're a people pleaser, it can be hard to tell the difference between accommodating someone else's preferences and giving too much of yourself—especially when it means sacrificing a boundary.
To help with this, I want to walk you through three steps I personally use to make decisions that are intentional and values-aligned.
Step 1: Pause
I have a rule: when I get a request related to work that goes above and beyond what I’ve already committed to, I give myself at least 24 hours before I respond.
This pause creates space. It keeps me from reacting in the moment just because something feels urgent or important. It gives me time to ask: Is this actually urgent? And how important is it, really?
Pausing also lets your emotional reaction settle. Emotions are helpful—they guide us toward action. But if you're someone who struggles with holding boundaries, it's often best to wait until your emotions return to baseline before you decide what to do next.
Step 2: Clarify Your Values
Let’s say a family member asks you for a favor, and you’re unsure whether to say yes or no. That back-and-forth can feel overwhelming. So here's a helpful strategy: clarify what’s at stake.
Ask yourself:
If I say yes, what value would I be honoring?
If I say yes, what value might I be deprioritizing?
Maybe you value generosity and reliability—you love this person and want to be there for them. But maybe you also value solitude, rest, or boundaries, and this favor cuts into a weekend you planned to spend recharging.
Clarifying this helps you make a conscious choice. If you say yes, it's because you're choosing to prioritize a value that matters to you—not because you’re guilted into it.
That’s very different from the knee-jerk “Okay, fine, yes” that comes from guilt or obligation. When we don’t understand what the guilt is about—or whether it’s even appropriate—we risk making a decision we’ll regret.
Step 3: Assess Your Bandwidth
Even when you’re clear on your values, there's one more crucial step: ask yourself whether you have the bandwidth right now.
Knowing what values are at play is one thing. Knowing if you actually have the energy to act on them at this moment is another.
Maybe if this request had come last week, when work was lighter, your answer would’ve been different. But what about now?
This step can be hard for people pleasers, because if you admit you don’t have the bandwidth, that means you have to say no—and that can be uncomfortable. You might try to avoid that discomfort by pushing through and saying yes anyway.
But then what happens?
You end up burned out, frustrated, or even resentful. Not necessarily because of the ask, but because you didn’t stop to check in with yourself before saying yes.
Final Thoughts
We get to those places of burnout not because we’re too generous, but because we haven’t taken the time to clarify—not just what’s driving our decisions, but when they’re aligned with our current capacity.
It’s not about what you wish the circumstances were. It’s not about what you wish you had done in the past. It’s about where you are right now and what you actually have to give.
So, to recap:
Pause
Clarify your values
Assess your bandwidth
These three steps will help you make choices that feel good in the moment and afterward—because they’re grounded in your values and your reality, not guilt or pressure.
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