How to Overcome the Fear of Disappointing Others

If you’re a people pleaser, or someone who would rather not disappoint people if you can avoid it, you might struggle with this issue frequently. This impulse often comes from a good place, and sometimes being empathic depends on your ability to anticipate other people’s feelings and then act accordingly.

However, when we are so afraid of disappointing others that we sacrifice our own vision, values, or needs, we end up ignoring parts of ourselves that eventually start to make themselves known. This could feel like unfulfillment or dissatisfaction, disconnection from yourself or others, or boredom and numbness.

“These consequences often sneak up on us because when we overvalue other people’s approval, we automatically undervalue ourselves, often without realizing it. ”

An example from my graduate school days

I started graduate school with a specific career goal that was aligned with the values of my professors, my program, and my peers - to be a top tier researcher at a prominent university. A couple years in, I realized that I actually wanted to take my career in a slightly different direction, I wanted to do clinical work and I wasn’t that interested in a research-based career. 

I kept my insight to myself because I worried that if I voiced it to anyone, they would be disappointed that they invested in my education only to have me go do something different that what I said I wanted to do. I spent years privately despairing about how I was going to survive a career that I didn’t really want, and I found myself depressed and worse, feeling like a failure.

My fear of disappointing my professors had grown so huge that I completely lost sight of my unique talents and what would actually fulfill me in my career. I didn’t even consider that there were probably other people in my field who would join alongside me and support me in my true interests because I was so dependent on the approval of the people right in front of me.

When I finally disclosed my conflict to my dissertation advisor, he looked at me and said, “You’re going to have to wake up to yourself every morning, so make sure that whatever you do, you can live with it.” He even told me he already saw me more as a teacher than a researcher, even when I didn’t see it myself.

That moment changed my trajectory and helped me eventually build a career as a teacher and clinician, but I spent years feeling terrible about myself and trying to be someone I’m not, all because I was afraid that people would devalue me. Even after I pivoted, it took me a while to work through my own internalized failure because it had built up over a long time.

I was lucky to have an advisor that was so real and supportive, and I know for a fact that some of my professors would not have reacted that way.

But other people’s reactions isn’t really the point.

Ignoring your inner voice doesn’t help anyone

The point here is that when we ignore who we are and what we really care about because we’re afraid of disappointing others, we end up sabotaging ourselves and feeling miserable about it, and not being of any use to whoever it is we’re trying to serve or reach in our careers.

I’ve made plenty of decisions that have disappointed people and frankly, pissed people off, people I really value and care about. What I’ve learned is that if I build my life on gaining other people’s approval, I would be a shadow of myself and that doesn’t just affect me, it affects my family, my relationships, and it prevents me from even seeing opportunities that would better align with my values.  

So, if you’re struggling with the fear of disappointing someone, take some time to figure out if this fear is preventing you from taking action that is aligned with your true values. If so, know that the disappointment of others isn’t going to destroy you, and it’s hard to tolerate but it is worth the struggle to carve out a life for yourself that is fulfilling, even if it's not always easy to get there.

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