Two Reasons Positive Thinking Fails, and What Works Better
This might surprise you, but as a therapist who specializes in helping people analyze and change their thinking patterns, I don’t use the words “negative” and “positive” very often. In fact, I try not to use them as much as possible for these reasons:
They’re emotionally loaded labels, and so adding these emotional associations when you’re already trying to manage an emotional situation is often unhelpful, and
Not all “negative” thoughts are problematic and not all “positive” thoughts are helpful, so the labels don’t always correspond with the accuracy of the thought, further clouding the picture.
Instead, I find it more effective to focus on the accuracy of the thought, and how helpful the thought is in the moment.
Let’s work through this example:
Scenario: You’re overthinking an interaction you had with someone recently
Thoughts: “I acted weird in that conversation” and “Maybe I came off as a jerk when I did that”
Emotions: Anxiety and embarrassment, or something close to that
Positive Thinking Strategy: You keep telling yourself “I didn’t act weird, I was totally normal!” and “People don’t think I’m a jerk!”
→ If at this point you feel better and good to go as if nothing happened, you can stop reading here. Chances are you genuinely believe the “positive” thoughts because they’re based on experience - amazing!
↓ But if you’ve been in a situation like this and you still feel anxious and embarrassed, no matter how many times you tell yourself these “positive” things, there are likely two reasons why:
Reason #1: You don’t believe the positive thoughts
Saying “I didn’t act weird, I was totally normal!” as a way to manage your anxiety is only helpful if you believe the statement with some degree of certainty. If you’re saying this to yourself as a way of trying to feel better about the situation without actually believing it, this will only work in the short-term, if at all.
What does help in the long-term is to first recognize your emotional discomfort and deal with it directly by using some emotion regulation skills. Then, you can analyze the distressing thought by using one or more strategies like considering how true the thought is, or focusing on how you will cope if the thought is, in fact, true.
Here are some questions that could help guide that exploration:
How do I know that thought is true?
Am I misreading your thought as true because it feels true?
If the thought is true, what can I do to change the outcome of the situation, or do something differently next time?
For the thought “I acted weird in that conversation,” you may conclude that the thought is in likely to be true! In this case, it doesn’t serve anyone to pretend that’s not true and replace it with a falsely positive thought. That might allow you to temporarily avoid the discomfort of accepting that you maybe acted weird, but in the long run, you’re just avoiding the issue.
If you did something weird, work on being less weird, or own your weirdness!
Reason #2: The thought itself cannot be answered or countered
The second thought in my example, “Maybe I came off as a jerk when I did that” is different from the first because it’s about what the other person thought or felt. This is rocket fuel for anxiety because we can spin all day and all night (or the better part of our adulthood) trying to figure out what other people think, and never actually know the truth.
Instead of trying to convince yourself that the other person didn’t have any negative judgments about you, recognize when you’re trying to answer an unanswerable question. Our brains don’t like unanswerable questions, but the sooner we learn to recognize them and redirect our mental energy elsewhere, the more mentally resilient we become.
Here are some questions to guide this approach:
Is it helping me to keep spending time and energy on this thought?
What’s the worst that could happen if the other person did have a judgmental thought about me? Could I cope with that?
If this thought is true, what can I do differently next time to produce a different outcome?
In Conclusion
Positive thinking isn’t useless, but it’s not a one-size-fits-all solution. If you’ve tried to “think positive” and still felt anxious, ashamed, or stuck, it doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong, it means you need a different tool for the job. By focusing on the accuracy and helpfulness of your thoughts, and learning to spot the ones you can’t answer, you give yourself a way forward that’s grounded in reality. That’s where meaningful change happens, not by forcing yourself to feel better, but by equipping yourself to think and respond differently over time.
If you found this helpful, you’ll get even more practical tools in Notes from Dr. Natasha, my weekly newsletter with evidence-based strategies to help you think clearly, set boundaries, and navigate self-doubt. Subscribe here to get it delivered straight to your inbox.