How to Handle Negative Reactions to Your Boundaries
Setting boundaries is one thing, but dealing with how other people respond to those boundaries? That’s a whole different challenge.
Spoiler alert: There is no universal script or simple formula for this because no two relationships are the same. The specifics depend on who you are, who the other person is, and what the context of the boundary is.
So I can’t offer a one-size-fits-all answer…it doesn’t exist.
What I can offer are three principles that might help you navigate those moments when someone pushes back, gets upset, or simply doesn’t like your boundaries. Think of these as anchor points to reflect on and adapt based on your needs and values:
Change is uncomfortable, even when it’s healthy.
Someone’s reaction to your boundary does not determine the appropriateness of the boundary itself.
Boundaries can be messy. Give yourself permission to experiment.
Let’s explore each one in more detail.
1. Change is uncomfortable, even when it’s healthy.
Whether you’re setting boundaries in relationships where they haven’t existed before, or you’re adjusting boundaries that already exist, you’re changing something. And change is disruptive for a system that has grown used to a certain dynamic (“system” could be a relationship, a team, or an organization).
So, if someone has a negative reaction to your boundary, it’s likely that at least some of their reaction is just a response to change, and therefore not a sign that something is wrong with your boundary.
Let’s say you’ve historically been available to your team at all hours, and you decide to start logging off at 8 PM. That shift might be met with confusion or resistance, in fact, you should probably expect it to! But that doesn’t mean the boundary is wrong, it could just mean that the system is adjusting. It needs some time to adapt to the new pattern you’re introducing.
In this example, you can minimize the natural disruption of change by preparing people, resetting expectations, and/or adjusting workflows. That kind of intentionality can ease the discomfort. Some pushback is normal - consider the possibility that the system is just recalibrating, not that your boundary is problematic.
2. Someone’s reaction to your boundary does not determine the appropriateness of the boundary itself.
People might feel disappointed, annoyed, or even hurt by your boundary. That doesn’t make it inherently unfair, wrong, or selfish. Their emotional response is theirs to feel, not yours to fix.
Here’s a simple example: When I tell my 4-year-old she can’t have a lollipop for breakfast, she gets upset. That doesn’t mean I’m being unreasonable or unfair, it just means she doesn’t like the answer. If I questioned my boundary on this every time she gets upset about it, I believe I would be doing her and her teeth a disservice.
You might be thinking “Well, it’s a lot more complicated with an adult where things are less clear.” Yes, sometimes it is, but oftentimes what we mean when we say “complicated” is that the emotions are uncomfortable, and so we avoid them by caving in, or being too rigid and withholding.
I’m not suggesting that you never consider other people’s feelings when navigating boundaries.
I am suggesting that you first ground yourself in your own needs, values, and desires so that you can tell the difference between your feelings and motivations and the other person’s feelings and motivations.
This positions you to act with intentionality as opposed to reactivity.
Your boundaries don’t need to feel good to others to be worth holding. And their discomfort doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve done something wrong. Introspection, self-awareness, and professional therapy or coaching can be great ways to turn towards your discomfort and make sense of it in a constructive way.
3. Boundaries can be messy. Give yourself permission to experiment.
Boundaries are rarely perfect from the start. Especially in new situations or relationships, you might not know exactly where the line should be until you start drawing it.
This is messy, human work and you don’t have to get it right on the first try.
To be clear, I believe that there are some boundaries that are non-negotiable, like not tolerating abuse, or (in my household) not having lollipops for breakfast. But many vexing boundary situations are more contextual.
For example, I might set a boundary for work email where I stop at 6 pm, and you might set your boundary at 11 pm. Both can be valid, depending on our differing needs, phase of life, work environment, and many other factors.
Expect it to be messy and focus on the most important step: Start somewhere.
If a boundary isn’t quite working, you can adjust it. If someone reacts strongly, take a moment to reflect before assuming the boundary is the problem. You’re allowed to evaluate and recalibrate. That’s not weakness, it’s wisdom.
Final Thoughts
Boundary setting isn’t about getting it perfect. It’s about showing up for yourself with curiosity and self-trust. Each time you honor your limits, you learn more about what works for you, what feels sustainable, grounded, and true.
Over time, clarity will be easier to attain and you will have more confidence and less guilt as you navigate boundary setting. And even when others don’t understand your boundary, you will, because it’s anchored in your values, not their reactions.
The benefit of boundaries existing in systems is that healthy changes in one person’s boundaries can lead to more healthy changes in the system. Consider the value of what you might be modeling to your team, or your partner, or your kids when you set boundaries that come from a place of care and consideration (both for yourself and for others).
You might inspire someone else to take better care of themselves, too.
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